Anger...a constant battle

I woke up this morning feeling angry. Not just mildly angry, positively livid. I wanted to break things and scream and stomp my feet and slam things just for the physical satisfaction of expressing my anger.

It started with a random phone call from Illinois that woke me from my slumber at 2:30 in the afternoon. Why, do you ask, am I sleeping at 2:30 in the afternoon? Not because I was having a leisurely nap (wouldn't that be heavenly!), no. Because I have been assigned 3rd shift for my current job. I was finally released from training and now I have the glorious 6pm-5am shift. The first night I worked I slept for all of a whopping 3 hours. After the second night I was so exhausted, I took melatonin and flopped into bed with an eye mask on to block out the light and slept fairly solidly.

As I lay in bed trying to wake up, I felt a growing ball of lead growing inside me. I felt heavy and uncomfortable. The toll of staying up all night has been hard on my body, and my joints are stiff and swollen. Why am I working this crappy shift? I ask myself.

Because of my self centered husband.

The lead inside began to grow hotter. Before I knew it, it was a full fledged fireball. The snowball effect of that one act really slammed me hard and before I knew it, I was thinking about all the things that have happened as a result of my husband's grand exodus. In order to keep the house and have health insurance and begin to fathom some sort of retirement on my own I had to get either a second job or a new one. That meant leaving my forever dream job I had just gotten. The one I worked 20 years towards and had to say good bye to. It meant breaking a promise to myself that I would never get divorced and put my children through what I went through as a child. It meant filing for bankruptcy, filing for divorce, and filing for food assistance. It means working a shift that prevents me from having a normal schedule with my boys. It means not being able to tuck them into bed at night like I want and missing a huge chunk of their day to sleep. It means pain and loneliness and a shattering of future plans I had both for myself and my children. It means having to explain why? when their father gets remarried and has more kids, and watching them struggle through the questions that I struggled through as a child. It means hours of therapy and tears and anger. Lots and lots of anger.

I could go on and on. About how I am still helping him out and not asking for child support. How I have ruined credit and am stuck trying to figure out finances and childcare while dealing with my own abandonment and rejection issues.

I got myself up out of bed and headed upstairs to make coffee. And what I encountered only fueled my angry state. Dishes that were left crusty and abandoned in a messy pile in the sink by an ungrateful teenager. I did some slamming of cabinets and dishes and pots and pans while I scrubbed--it helped a teensy bit...sorta...well, not really.

I picked up trash left on the floor. I glanced around at dirty clothes my children threw off and scattered in the living room, and stared at a pile of bills and receipts and paperwork I had yet to pay and file away.

I thought to myself, I need to get out and run and get some fresh air. Okay, something positive to do.

To my dismay, as soon as the thought crossed my mind a thunderous sound echoed throughout the house and it began pouring mercilessly outside. Really?

So, you may ask, what did I do?

I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat on the front porch and watched the rain fall.

And I cried.

I cried about the rain ruining my run.

And the hurt in my heart.

I cried about the unexpected turn my life had taken.

About how much harder everything seems right now.

I cried with worry about my kids, my health, my finances.

I cried in anguish at the people who have hurt me and those who have taken me for granted and those who I feel abandoned by.

And I thought about my previous post I had written on anger and how important forgiveness is. And the irony of it all is that there will always be reminders that will stir up the anger. I'm two years a single mother and the anger seems more potent now than it ever was.

Sometimes all the positive mantras in the world cannot soothe the tumult of anger when it rears its ugly head. It doesn't matter how many miles you walk, or how many glasses of wine you have, how many cakes you bake, or how many times you scrub the kitchen, or even how many gallons of tears you have shed--sometimes the anger wins.

And today, it won.

I have no words of consolation or wisdom to share. I have nothing happy and funny to close out this post with.

Sometimes, it just is what it is.

I did find this quote, however, and I thought it a good one to ponder--right now my mind is agitated, and my heart is raw. Maybe after some time, it will settle and I will feel serene and share my experience of that with you in the near future.

Your mind is like water, when it becomes agitated it becomes difficult to see. But if you allow it to settle, the answer becomes clear. -Kung fu Panda

**Disclaimer: These are my thoughts and opinions and they may not necessarily be taken well by everyone or agreed with. We are all entitled to our own opinions, and this is my perspective of the situation I am in and certainly there are several sides to any narrative. My hope in sharing these experiences is to show my humanity and that we all have times in our life when we are angry, and that's ok. I'm in a place in my life right now where I am allowing myself to be angry rather than burying it all away. I know it is something that will not just disappear overnight, or that can be fixed by one particular action. It is a journey, this life, and anger is just one aspect of many that everyone will encounter at some point.