Past, present, and future...

1979

I was born in 1979. The 90s seem like yesterday to me! Yes, I still listen to Smashing Pumpkins, The Cure, and can sing along to pretty much any 80s or 90s song. You will not catch me dead in "mom" jeans or crop tops or ANYTHING that was uncool in my youth that is somehow in fashion now (mullets included).

I lived in a time where we ran the streets until dusk or our moms called us in for dinner. We played with neighborhood kids and there was always an adult keeping an eye out for us. Mom would kick us out to get fresh air, and we had no choice but to use our imaginations to concoct games and silly shenanigans.

Cell phones and internet were not mainstream. If you had a Gameboy or a Walkman you were COOL. We hand knotted our friendship bracelets which hung off a safety pin from our stonewashed jeans and were jealous of anyone that could actually afford real Keds or Converse high tops. Roller skating was a social engagement everyone went to, and we all knew that cool kid who could skate the limbo perfectly and we were in awe.

Saturday morning cartoons were a THING, and after school specials, and Reading Rainbow and that weird guy who wore a bodysuit that had all the different parts of the body painted on it--creepy but cool.

Never in a million years would I think there would be a time where you just DON'T let your kids go play at someone else's house unless you were there with them! Dating is no longer something that happens organically anymore, it's all through apps; and LEGIT there are FB groups dedicated to women dating online talking about the eligible men in the area and their experiences (so now we have yelp! reviews on men???)! Companies no longer offer pensions for long term employees (what is the point in staying with a company!?) and you can pretty much live your entire life online--friends, ordering supplies, having online doctor visits, EVERYTHING.

We live in a society that likes to cancel and block anything that detracts from current trends, beliefs or ideals. It is fascinating and also disturbing to see altruism, genuine kindness and sticking out a tough relationship as: fake, manipulative and co-dependent. There is nothing truly good anymore in this world that has not been completely dissected and renamed something else.

If you have had an idiotic moment in public, more than likely it has been captured on social media and you have been laughed at, trolled, or turned into a meme. And let me make it clear: I am an average person. I get sucked into the rabbit hole of shorts on FB and YouTube, and I love a good relatable meme or gif to laugh heartily over.

Being at my son's friend's birthday party means I am involved and cognizant of who he is spending time with and I am getting to know other adults with kids my own age. I didn't hover, I was just chilling on the sidelines while he joked and laughed with all his friends--the only tween without a smartphone! (does that make me a bad parent? I am not sure yet). I DO know, however, that I was the ONLY parent that didn't just drop their kid off and leave--my son assured me my presence was welcome, and not an embarrassment.

I am rambling, and I am fully aware of it. There is so much on my mind that has to deal with life--our character--what really matters in this world.

It is so easy to get caught up in all the things going on outside of us--that we neglect the development of our own soul.

It has become easier than ever to lose track of time--hours can go by--and what do we have to show for it? Bags under our eyes and a cynical perspective? Is it truly worth it?

2023

It is just after Mother's Day, 2023. We are mourning the recent loss of our Mamaw. My siblings and I jumped in the car and drove the 1000 miles in my tiny Kia Soul -- through one time zone and across 5 states for a funeral. The three of us had some bonding time, which honestly was much needed, and though we were not in Louisiana for long, we were able to support my mother--the baby of the family that had been living with Mamaw these past 4 years and caring for her.

I know I jumped ahead quite a few years, mostly because of this recent experience, and partly because I do not recall where I was going with the first part of my post. I had started that back several months ago and lost my rhythm--which happens sometimes in life.

It is interesting to me, because upon hearing about my grandmother's (Mamaw) failing health and then passing, I lost my rhythm in another way. It was and is still, an indescribable feeling. I just know that I could not sleep. I felt a numbness and loss of motivation that could not be explained.

I will be the first to confess that I was never truly close to Mamaw. My memories with her are childhood memories, of quilts she sewed for me, of delicious holiday meals we shared, and the myriad of paper bags filled with paperback books that she shared with us. I read my first trashy romance novel from her stockpile!

While I grew up in Louisiana, we were frequent visitors to their home-- we spent holidays there with large family gatherings, and most every other weekend there just hanging out with my mom's parents. My papaw taught me how to ride a bike, Mamaw and Papaw took me on my first fishing trips, and I think the greatest take away from our visits was the slowness of it all.

There was no hustle and bustle. Time s l o w e d down while we visited that tiny country town. It was boring sometimes. My sister created mud pies, we colored in old coloring books with a tin of broken crayons, and my Papaw would just sit and rock in his recliner, or walk around the pasture with his cows. We always watched the 6 o'clock evening news, Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune before heading home down windy dirt roads and going to bed.

We have a quite a large family-- my grandparents had 5 kids total and of those there were 19 grandkids and then from those there are dozens of great grandkids! It was lovely to see so many familiar faces at the funeral. And even more lovely that we were all able to come together and slow down for a day to remember Mamaw.

It is a shame that there has been a space of decades between seeing some of this family; however there is no judgment. It is just life. Once a person leaves a location and starts their own family, it happens.

What I wish to point out and focus on, is the pace of life-- and the absolute beauty of the slow paced southern life my Mamaw lived. At this point, I do not know that I could leave my current life of busyness for the slowness of rural Louisiana, but I do know that I can see the benefit of it. There is a focus on the QUALITY of life, rather than QUANTITY. There is no competition, or comparison to others--it is simple, and honest-- it is not comparable to my conjectures on the current modern lifestyles of today.

I appreciate this and think on it more and more now, especially after being in Louisiana. As soon as I got back home I had to think about paying bills and catching up with work; meeting my eldest for high school orientation and catching up on missed chores.

I think I long for a slower paced life--one that is purposeful and meaningful. One that stops and smells the flowers...one that stops and bakes the complicated cakes and sews the unique quilt patterns...one that pulls over on the side of the road when it sees a funeral procession--and isn't in such a hurry to get to their destination. One that pays respects and tips hats and takes time to live in the moment rather than rush to tomorrow.

Do I see that in my immediate future? No, not at all. However, I do want to make sure that I stop and take time to appreciate what I have: a home and full time job; 2 healthy boys and physical abilities such as walking and breathing on my own and taking care of those around me.

I am thankful for this forced "pause" in my life . To stop and acknowledge the existence of other lives around me, and understand that while I am busy each day with my own tasks, there are others around me with their own struggles: whether it be with failing health, or a failing marriage, a brand new baby or unemployment, even within the small boundaries of our families there are blessings and momentous occasions to acknowledge, as well as the hardships and sadder moments that prevail.

Take a moment to "pause" and breathe in a deep breath of air. Reflect on the circumstances and also the blessings of your life. There is room for it all-- room for fear and apprehension, for thankfulness and planning, for slowing down and taking a moment to breathe.