Crossing into a New Year!

For better or worse, the new year has begun.

It is funny, 2023 did not start with a bang--I had my boys with me, we hung out and played board games and were all tucked into bed by 10:30. I was okay with that. I do not necessarily put a huge amount of emphasis on traditions as I used to. I have made no resolutions this year, and now--being 8 days into the new year, it is just business as usual.

That may sound a bit drab, however this time of year always tends to be a bit of a struggle for me. I did not have the boys at Christmas, and most of my family and friends were sick or already busy, so it was fairly quiet. I did take a few hikes, and watched a LOT of cheesy holiday romance movies.

But for now, I think I sit in the same boat as many people do.

I am trying to work things out--basic things, like

who am I?

what is my purpose?

what is the point of me?

what are some life changing lessons I have learned, and how am I going to apply those to my life?

I believe that sometimes it is not until you are willing to step out of your comfort zone that you discover something wonderful.

I love the passage in the book of Matthew where Jesus sends the disciples off into the boat and He goes up into the mountains for a bit. The disciples have already traveled a fair distance when Jesus joins them; He is seen walking on the water shortly before dawn. The disciples were afraid when they saw Him, thinking they were looking at a ghost! Jesus comforted them and said, "Take courage, it is I. Be not afraid."

And Peter said, "Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," He said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came towards Jesus. "But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' IMMEDIATELY Jesus reached out his hand and caught him."

I can EASILY imagine Peter--stepping out in confidence, feeling GOOD about himself, and then in a split second looking all around him and second guessing himself... and thinking, " oh crud--was I wrong? am I going to die?"

I believe that if you step out in faith to do something courageous--even if you sink, you will be caught, just as Peter was. I absolutely LOVE that even though Peter was impulsive and challenged Jesus, Jesus invited Peter to join Him on the water...and that even though Peter doubted and began to sink; Jesus comforted him and kept him safe.

So what then, will be my courageous step of faith?

I'm still working on that.

Every year I read through my notes, journal entries, and now blog posts and reflect on the things that have inspired me, challenged me, and obstacles that I have overcome.

I have learned so many lessons over the years, and I really think that aging isn't nearly as horrible as I once thought! I am thankful for my experiences and the lessons I have learned--and I don't want to take them for granted. Would I gladly trade my over 40 year old body for my younger one? YES! But NOT if it means undoing all the lessons I have learned and all the strength and experience I have gained.

Fresh insights I have gained recently:

I no longer want to allow someone to treat me in a way I would never treat someone else.

It is basically the golden rule inverted--instead of saying "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," I say, "don't let anyone treat you in a way I would never treat others." A lot of people learn this lesson earlier in life than I have.

Being a people pleaser, and truly wanting to just give to others--I put most of my focus on others and none on my feelings or my desires. I kind of just brushed my needs aside and felt that my reward was seeing the smile on others faces--who cares if I am not the one smiling, right?

It is kind of a lonely way to live. My eldest son, who has recently joined the ranks of teenager-dom, has been a lot more vocal lately. He told me the other day, "Mom, you are just like the chefs on the shows we watch. They cook this amazing food all day for everyone else, and then go home and eat a sandwich. You deserve more."

WOW.

I was floored. When did he grow up and become so observant and wise?

So I am trying to keep this in mind. As a mom I do not want to portray this image to him that my role as a mother, daughter, sister, employee, etc. is just this person who does wonderful things for others but does not experience those things myself.

For so long, I never took the last piece of ___ (you fill in the blank), I never ate the bacon I cooked every weekend so that the boys could have more. I go without so others can have...you get the picture. Up until recently, I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought sacrifice and selfless giving were noble and the only way to feel like I was valuable as a human being.

Now that my boys are getting older and really seeing me, I feel even more pressure to be a good role model for them. I don't want them to feel like they are not valuable. I do not want them to give and not receive. I want them to feel worthy, confident, and move forward in life with purpose, integrity and independence. I also want them to be kind and helpful, but able to stand up for themselves and not be taken advantage of.

So I am going to work through this. And really live in a way that shows them I am not just going to eat sandwiches.

I am going to plan activities that I want to do, and work on things I enjoy! And do you know what I think happens when you decide you aren't just going to take what you get any longer?

You get MORE.

I had a very dear friend say to me:

You rely too heavily on words.

I know words are your art, they aren't everyone's. That is the biggest hurdle you face. Relinquish control, observe more, and think more highly of yourself.

Relinquish control? Think more highly of myself?

Ha!

Easier said than done. I am like this tree I took a picture of on a recent hike--holding on for dear life! Her roots are tangled and clinging to the ground.

The fact that I have felt so OUT of control for so long, has led me to a life of wanting things to be IN CONTROL--concise, predictable, unchanging...

And yet, in spite of all the planning and longing--my life is still unpredictable and uncontrollable in many ways.

Honestly, the joke is on me, because God NEVER promised that our plans would come to fruition, or that anything would ever make sense. I cannot count the number of times that I have had an epiphany, or thought I finally figured things out--and later learned I was WRONG.

So the mystery of life is somehow never truly answered-- which is probably for the best, to be honest.

So, I guess, maybe--I will start with insights from OTHERS this year- from my son, and my friend. And see where that takes me, instead of relying on my values and methods.

I'll let you know how it goes.