Can we ever truly know ourselves?

I find it interesting that not only am I not the same person today as I was yesterday, but I am hardly the same person from one moment to the next.

And yet, most ironically, I am also the most boring and predictable person I know. How is this even possible?

I have found myself in a predicament. One that waffles between comfort and the known and one that reaches for something more. I am generally the most reliable and dependable of people. I pride myself on being that way, and I work tirelessly to serve others in every available capacity possible. And yet, I am starting to change. I am beginning to reflect on my life and all the reliability and wonder if it has ever been worth it. My reliability has only ever benefited others--never myself. The empathy and desire to positively impact others' lives has been almost annihilated by the way I have been treated.

It is and has always been within me to empathize most deeply with others and then work to try and help their situations. After which I generally give and pour myself into that person until they are in a place where they move on--sadly, without me in their life.

I want to be like this quote: the sun that shines and asks for nothing in return. The sun that always shows up, never fails, and provides warmth and life and beauty to the earth. It does not discriminate between plant or animal or human. It does not choose to take days off when things get rough, or judge when things do not go the way they should. It is steadfast and full of life giving energy.

It is not easy or sustainable to keep up this kind of lifestyle. One that serves and gives and never gives up. I oftentimes feel like I am barely afloat in this life, that I am silently drowning while life continues to happen all around me. Sometimes it seems like all is for naught, like my small life matters very little in the great scheme of things. Sometimes I feel like I am one event away from disaster, my calm façade tissue paper thin.

I have lately been voraciously reading quotes about life, seeking wisdom in small typed snippets found on Pinterest.

I believe I suffer greatly, yet suffering and pain is universal and varying for everyone. I am certainly not the first nor the last to feel this way, and many suffer even more than myself. I cannot watch a kids movie about family without crying--knowing that what I have to offer my most prized possessions is as a single mother who feels she has failed.

Some days I am incredibly angry, and some days I am woefully sad. Some days I think I know who I am--and just as I think I have it nailed down--life happens and I get confused all over again.

I do not want to be defined by my past experiences and pain, though I am being changed by my pain on a daily basis. I listen to others and try to please them or at least not be judged by them. Rarely do I sit back and try to just live for me and rely on my own instincts. I wrestle all the time with myself--between deciding what is the "right" thing to do, and what is "best" for me or the kids. It is an ugly daily battle.

I am working on taking charge of my life, of owning my decisions instead of passively listening to what others say or wondering what others will think. Shouldn't I be making my own decisions at this point and taking responsibility for my choices?

Yes. I am a grown woman and need to own my life and start living it with courage and confidence, not passive cowardice.

I second guess myself all the time and worry about whether I am making the right choices. I question my worth, if my life has been a waste, and what my purpose is. I wonder often how much of an impact it would have if I did not even exist, I am such a small insignificant being.

I have to remind myself that my life is worth living, and that I have value more than what I perceive others give me. It is hard to live with constant rejection, and even harder to continue seeking approval and love from the very ones that you know will undoubtedly keep rejecting you.

In my heart I know that right now I am mostly the center of my boys' worlds, but the time will come when their partner and children and future best friends will be a new center. It is the way of life. I had always thought my husband would have been there in the end, to enjoy the older years of life together and now I am cementing my life back together, piece by piece.

You know how when something breaks and you can glue it back as carefully as possible, but teeny shards that chipped away never quite make it back and there are little pieces missing from it? That is how I feel. Little pieces of me have chipped away and I can't ever get those back. I can glue my life back together, and maybe from far away I will look put together, but up close I'm chipped and cracked.

Alas, I believe that the solution to a lot of my troubles aligns with this quote. "The whole world is inside me: in my perspective and my heart." I have to learn to enjoy who I am and be at peace with myself. I know a big part of this has to do with being confident in my spiritual journey, focusing on healing and shedding the negative perspectives I hold within me and project on others.

I have been on quite the journey these past two years, and I am still learning every day. I told my friend some days I move forward but many days I feel like I go backwards, and his response to me was, "At least you are moving." It is a different way of thinking, but holds truth.

So, I take steps today to move forward. To think positive and own my steps even if they are backward or sideways or halfway dragged. I understand that I may fail. I may fall. I may face plant on the concrete. I need to let my what if's become positive rather than fearful. Because what else could happen? I may skip and twirl and soar.