Clarity??

There is a saying that "time heals all wounds" and yet another saying comes to mind closely contradicting that is "absence makes the heart grow fonder." And yet again, "out of sight out of mind" is just another quip people use--a cliché that gets thrown in a giant pile with "it is what it is," or "and so it goes."

All in all, there are shreds of truth in each of the sayings, relatable enough to have spread across media and pop culture and into our bag of tricks when trying to comfort another person going through difficult times.

Regardless, pick the one that resonates most and wear it like a medal, right?

We all process experiences differently, we react differently and heal differently. There is no "one size fits all" answer or phrase to pass out or self-apply when going through things. I am being quite general because, let's face it, even with something as joyous as a wedding or bringing a child in the world--there is a level of stress and a huge amount of change that a person undergoes, just as much as dealing with divorce, or death, or any other life changing event. Getting laid off, someone ending a close friendship, losing your house in a fire, having to put down your furry companion, being harassed or bullied or being a victim of theft, assault or abuse, can all turn a person's world upside down. Is it fair to put a weight of burden on one event over another?

It is not.

We cannot necessarily predict the many events that we will experience over the course of our lifetime, nor can we predict how they will affect us. We cannot predict how we will respond or react, how we will self medicate and what the results will be in the end.

I can look back now, with some clarity, and see through my grief and all my subsequent actions, and understand things a little better. There is no easy way to handle such things, but to go through them. To process them, and accept them. It hurts like hell, and there were a lot of bottles of wine, sleepless nights full of tears, endless self bashings and even some self destructive behaviors... hours of therapy...processing and accepting...relating and empathizing with others in similar situations...slowly healing...lots of thinking and writing and talking to myself and God, and many, many miles of hiking to get to where I am now.

I cannot accept that there is a "right" way to live life. There are too many variables which added together in a certain order and/or concentration can create a perfect storm in a person's life. It is customized completely to that person--so it is impossible to truly formulate a fool proof plan. We can only reflect--fully experience and learn--for ourselves.

What is clarity other than a lens that can see past one’s self when they were in emotional turmoil?

I can look back and understand some of the root causes of my pain and struggles.

There is a pressure I put upon myself to be what I consider “ideal.”

For me that is defined:

To be helpful, selfless, empathetic

To love without expecting in return

To be forgiving and flexible

To guard my reputation and maintain high moral standards

To do unto others as I would have them do unto me

To give and give and give some more

To be thoughtful and honest and uplifting

To be insightful and think deeply

To be humble,

Modest ,

Exemplary in work and hobby

Intelligent and funny

To be passionate, yet rational

not to mention to keep a clean house, cook healthy, maintain a decent budget, and not lose my mind!

Woah--do I really expect all these things from myself? Yep...and then some--this isn't even incorporating faith or motherhood!

It is impossible. And exhausting.

And thankless...

And disheartening ...

...And then, I beat myself up!

Why?

Because... I’m human and imperfect

Because... I long to be loved as deeply as I love

Because... I want to be special to someone --

these do not seem like selfish things, but in my mind, based on my past experience, they feel very selfish--and contradict my self imposed ideals.

For example, sometimes I feel guilty for not making my bed!

I mean, no one knows but ME. It’s quite ridiculous!

It began with the mindset of starting your day with success— making your bed can be the first successful part of your day--it worked well for awhile, especially when I was really at my lowest—but feeling guilty about not doing it accomplishes nothing.

Now I have indoctrinated myself into thinking I HAVE to make my

bed—instead of embracing it as a symbolic successful start of my day.

It has become a weapon against me—and just another thing I have imprisoned myself to have to do.

I wonder if it is a form of self control? I’ve felt so little control in my life that now I’m just self imposing even higher standards to myself--it is not good for me. I need to give myself some grace.

Instead of embracing myself, accepting myself as I am and taking care of myself— I have done the opposite. And it has stunted my growth. I have been stagnant so long—this absence of writing has really revealed that to me.

Writing is a form of expression for me, a chance to get out the things on my heart and mind. I had not written since March! And upon further reflection I can see that I haven't been motivated or inspired to write because I have been bogged down by so many other things. Mostly self-inflicted chores or standards that have kept me away from my hikes and my writings--well, that and the number of hours I spent standing on a hard concrete floor ringing up merchandise for a second job! I am glad to be back--glad to spend time reflecting and thinking. Glad to breathe in fresh air and spend time expanding my mind.

I do not even know how to title this post, because it seems to me that clarity comes in stages--I may have clarity today of the past--but who knows what lens I will use the next time and what will be zoomed in on then?

This post really has had no solid resolution...it is truly just a meandering of thoughts.

And once again, I say to you--if you have made it this far--BLESS you! I hope that maybe you can relate and that it eases your mind to know that you are not the only one that experiences predicaments like this. I have decided to put my holiday decorations up early to cheer me up! So I have broken one of my traditions (of waiting until the day after Thanksgiving)--and honestly, I am sooo glad I did it! No regrets!

Grace wins today!

I hope it wins for you as well.