Getting back into the Groove of things...

November 5, 2022

Yesterday was my first real hike in a long time, and also my first time sitting on a log typing my thoughts into the notes section of my phone.

Two things I love and have missed--and am ready to pick back up again.

This morning I feel sore from yesterday's adventure, but it's a good sore--and I may head out again into the woods later today.

Where have I been?

I ask myself, where have I not been.

Life has been one wild ride, and my mental and emotional state has not handled it so well.

That is neither here nor there. I have spent most of 2022 away from my beloved trails, and away from this screen. I have suffered through extreme depression, worked 2 jobs struggling to make ends meet, fought for my home through all kinds of shenanigans, dealt with an absurd inflation of all consumables necessary for existence, and spent many sleepless nights in worry. I have had some lonely nights with only streaming and a bottle of wine to see me through, and all this as a single mom of two living during a pandemic-- it has been quite a journey.

I am happy to say, that though there have been a lot of tricky turns and sticky moments, things are looking up. My divorce hearing is at the end of this month, I just started a new job which allows me to pay all my bills and not have to work a second job, I have worked things out on the house, and am finally able to breathe a little easier.

I have spent a lot of time speculating about who I am, why I am the way I am, and what is most important for my time here on earth. And as I set out on this beautiful fall day, and breathe in the fresh air, this is one of those things that sits in the top 5 of my list: hiking.

I love hiking in the morning--

When the sun is slowly waking and peeking through the trees;

When the cool, dewy moisture still hangs midair

And the crickets are humming quietly.

I love stopping to take pictures of things that catch my eye—maybe a vibrant tree or a fallen log, or a bunch of stunning colorful leaves scattered on the ground.

I enjoy overhearing snippets of conversations between bikers and joggers—wondering what they are deep in conversation about and adding my own spin to it.

I like taking my time…breathing in deeply and honing in on all the small details.

I like to imagine myself in a trail runner's shoes—feeling invigorated — heart pumping, wind on my face, racing gracefully over the craggy rocks. How freeing it must feel!

Then I recall how clumsy I am and chuckle to myself. Not a good choice for me to be sure. I already will take a tumble just walking—running?? Nope. Not for me.

There are a lot of runners and bikers out today, and as soon as I see or hear them I step aside to the far right of the trail and wait for them to pass.

It is proper etiquette of course, but more than that I pause and realize how automatic it is. And, well, it only just occurred to me how quickly I anticipate someone and move over—not to protect myself--or to follow rules--but so I don’t get in someone else’s way.

This sums up my life in a nutshell.

I think I have spent most of my life trying not to be in someone's way. Not to overstep, or inconvenience anyone, and most of all, upset anyone. I have spent the majority of my life being agreeable. I even had someone tell me that I am "nice to a fault."

I was listening to a podcast my sister sent me, and it was mind blowing to hear my personality be defined in a way that really made sense-- "agreeable." Trying to please others and avoid conflict. Essentially not really having a set boundary of myself--which explains so much of why I struggle to be authentic and figure out who I am.

So, I am working little by little to figure it out. What is most important to me, what I hold dear, who I love, and my values. I want to make time for those things and not focus so much on pleasing others (though it just feels like it is ingrained in me at this point), and so I begin again--with hiking and writing and introspection.

I hope I will keep up with this and get back to the things I love. I have mostly been in survival mode these past few years. I am sure many of us have. Life is not easy for any one. One may give the appearance of easiness, but we all have hardships and challenges. It is what forces us to grow.

If you have gotten this far reading my post--thank you! It means so much to me that you would take time out of your busy day to read my thoughts. They aren't worth much, but I hope they bless you in some small measure--and encourage you to take a few minutes to slow down and do something you love.