I don't have an exact direction I'm going with this...

It started with the scene of a young couple walking the neighborhood. The young woman was walking the adorable dog and looked to be about 8 months pregnant. The man was pushing a child's stroller with a toddler in it. They looked happy and radiant with the glow of sweat from their walk.

The cynic inside me shook my head and thought, "Hmmmm... just wait a few years."

The young woman inside me looked longingly at them and died a little, wondering what went so wrong that I did not have this life.

Within 15 minutes, the scene changed again. This time with a text message from my ex giving me his new phone number as he is removing himself from my phone plan and getting his own.

When I saw his new number, my heart sank and I wept.

I wept not because I long to have him back.

But because that phone number represented something. What we were, and the hopes of what we were going to become.

I ordered our cell phones back in 2002--it was through Sprint and BOGO. We had been spending a fortune on long distance calls, even using the "10-10-3-2-1" to get 10 cents a minute. Cell phones seemed like the perfect idea. We had been dating a couple of months, so I sprung for them. It ended up saving a ton of money for our dating months.

We moved from area code 757 to area code 804, and then 919, then 843, then back to 919--all the while still keeping our same 757 numbers. It was like, no matter where we were--we had that constant--our phone number.

A number of times when we would upgrade or change carriers, I had to fight to retain those numbers--and yes, they were that important to me (plus having to notify everyone of a new phone number is a horrendous hassle).

The new number with a completely different area code--represented an end to that beginning.

I drove home that evening feeling sad. The final loose ends are being tied up and things are being legally finalized and it stirs up a lot.

I feel like the last 17 years of my life are a cocoon wrapped around me. I feel like I have been dormant and existing solely in my role as a wife and mother and now as this cocoon begins to unravel I do not know if I will recognize myself any longer.

It is strange to me, and sad, and scary all at the same time.

My friend urges me to allow myself to feel these emotions and process them--rather than push them down and try to forget about them. Historically that is how I have dealt with many of my emotions. By sucking them up and focusing on other's problems rather than my own. It works for a little while, but once alone they crop back up when you least want them to.

It is not easy to express all the emotional changes I can go through in any given day. Sometimes I am thankful and happy and feel light, like a burden has been lifted. Sometimes I feel heavy and abandoned and like a failure. Other times I feel angry and frustrated and bitterly resentful. I cannot nail down one emotion and stick to it, and that's OK. I accept that this sort of situation will lend itself to a variety of changing emotions and that some days are harder than others.

I try to look at the bigger picture and step outside of myself, because if I stay too much in my own head it lends to sleepless nights and anxiety and anger. I should be thankful at the opportunity to start over and "find myself." I am struggling with this, and also exploring different things I enjoy in an effort to rediscover myself.

These are the thoughts swimming in my mind, and as my blog is called Meanderings--I figured I would throw this seemingly random window into my internal struggles.

Maybe you can relate.

It is meant for someone out there. Even just as a reassurance that some times life isn't cut and dry. One event can spawn a multitude of feelings and unexpected side issues.

I just take things one step at a time.

One day at a time.