I'm WHAT!!???

Co-dependent.

Yep, I said it.

It is fascinating to me that I have been so oblivious to this condition and yet it has affected every area of my life for probably as long as I can remember. My therapist gave me homework and it was probably the best summary of co-dependency I have ever read.

https://www.mhanational.org/co-dependency

Check it out if you are interested in reading more about it.

I have written so many posts about perspective, and the more I seek, the more I learn and the more clearly I see things in life. Or perhaps, I should say the more lenses I have with which to view life.

It has taken the past 42 years to begin to unravel some of the mysteries in my life. Since my ex left me 2 years ago I have been actively trying to figure out my identity, become more independent, and face those things which scare me most.

I have made close friends during this process, and lost friends as well. I have faced a global pandemic, financial struggles, multiple career switches, an auto-immune disease, and the challenge of being a single mother all during these last two years.

I have acted and reacted in ways unlike myself, and I have scared myself and questioned myself constantly.

Originally I began seeing a therapist to help me through the crisis of the separation, and as I got out of crisis mode I went through different phases--not unlike those of dealing with the death of a loved one. It is only now as I am beginning to move forward and do things for myself that I have been able to really focus in on some of the deeper topics, where my behaviors are rooted and really digging into what I can do for myself to have and maintain healthy relationships.

It is a fascinating journey, this life. The more I learn, the more I grow. As I read the aforementioned article on co-dependency, I was really struck by how accurate most aspects of it was in my own life. My therapist told me to take notes, and what I ended up doing was writing myself a letter. I am going to get very vulnerable and copy it below for you. I feel so strongly that someone needs to hear this right now:

Megan--

You are practically begging your friend to depend on you. When the fact of the matter is, you are trying to gain a sense of worth and value from another human.

It is NOT this person's job to make you feel “worth it” or a priority. No matter how much it hurts you. Nor is it YOUR job to always be available to your friend to rely on you. That is co-dependency.

You have to have a healthy, mutual relationship to grow properly. No addictions--not to things, not to work, not to people/relationships or anything.

You owe it to yourself to figure out who you are outside of ALL and EVERY relationship you have. What are your interests? What do you crave and desire? What are your goals?

How do you plan to achieve them? How do you plan to set up boundaries in a healthy way that’s best for YOU?

You are scared, I know. Scared shitless from the looks of it. Scared of abandonment. Terrified of rejection. Always feeling unworthy and self conscious. Never embracing yourself for you and accepting yourself as anything but a vessel hoping and waiting to be filled whilst pouring away into others.

Why?

Because you have felt rejected by all the people in your life you were willing to get vulnerable with.

You’ve got sense girl! Use it! You are smart…do what’s best for YOU and the children God gave you charge over. Be honest and fair and kind—-to YOURSELF. Give YOURSELF the benefit of the doubt.

Pour energy into helping YOURSELF. BE the change you want to see. Whether it’s that you want to see a healthier body, an independent and whole person, a strong mom, a hard worker, a creator—whatever it is—GO and DO IT! Be wild. Be fierce. Be passionate. Be YOURSELF!

So, there it is, in a nutshell.

I am so thankful that my life is taking a new direction. That I am challenging myself in so many different ways, and striving to make changes in my life that will impact others in a more positive way. I have spent too many years trying to rescue and take care of everyone else--neglecting myself and losing my identity in the process. I do not want to pass these patterns of behavior onto my boys, I want to be the best example to them of a healthy, thriving, confident and independent person.

Almost anyone that reads this post is someone who has touched my life in one way or another. Thank you, for being a part of my life. Thank you for reading this and any of my other posts. I hope that this blesses you or inspires you in some small way.