It's always something

"When it rains, it pours."

Sometimes, there are just no words to describe the thoughts and feelings that swirl around in my mind. Sometimes I am left alone and have to muddle through it all.

I am sort of... kind of... in that place right now.

Still trying to peel back the layers and figure out who I am, what I desire in life, and what my non negotiable values are.

There are no hard and fast answers that are 100% correct in my life.

I am prone to change my mind in a moment--based on feelings and desires.

There is one thing I have yet to really consider though, and that is self worth.

That and "self love" are fairly recent buzz words. At first I really was against this mentality, and yet the more time that I spend as a single mom--juggling life's daily tasks, caretaking, working full time and managing remote learning for my two boys, I am beginning to see the importance of this.

I am currently in week 8 of training at my new job. I am with a very small group--4 trainees including myself, and we have become like family--we quiz each other, we eat lunch together, we support and encourage each other. Last week one of my fellow trainees said to me,

"Megan. WHO are YOU? You have spent the past 7 weeks only referring to yourself in your role as a mom. Who are you outside of that role?"

Which brings me here.

Questioning my identity.

Wondering who I really am.

Because let's face it; once these boys hit their teens they are not going to want their mama right there. They will want to spread their wings and fly away.

I do not want to spend the next 6-12 years only serving my children and then at 53 wonder who the heck I am. SO, I am working to figure myself out.

A close friend recommended writing down what I value and what I aspire to be. I have worked on that and come up with this:

I aspire to live a life filled with:

Honesty: Truthful communication is key to any relationship

Kindness: I aspire to be kind to others even if they are unkind to me

Faith: Having faith in Jesus has been integral in defining me as a person

Love: the greatest commandment of God--to love one another as we love ourselves

Empathy: put myself in other people's shoes

Perspective: remember that we all see things differently--nothing is black and white

Judgement: we have ZERO authority to judge ANYONE. Only God can do that.

Self care: You cannot take care of others until you take care of yourself.

Control: You can NOT control what other people think, do, believe, say, etc. You can only

control yourself.

Thankfulness: It's important to have gratitude in all things.

Positivity: love and kindness is a CHOICE. So is POSITIVITY!

Seasons: accepting that there are seasons in our lives. some of pain. some of loneliness. some of happiness. some of grief. seasons with people.

This is the CRUX of my identity. My ideals and values. The rules I live by and try to follow. I am not perfect at them every day. But I make the effort. I try to supplement my life with inspiring messages too.

I am a HUGE fan of listening to Rick Warren's Daily Hope messages on my podcast app. He is currently teaching a series that has me on my knees. He is talking about the last seven words that Jesus' left with us--and it is PROFOUND. I urge you to check his podcast out.

A book that I read long ago, that I continue to refer to and think about 20 years later, is called Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. I highly recommend it. It is an allegorical story about a young deformed girl named Much Afraid and her transforming journey with the Shepherd.

I still have not figured it all out. I am still trying to acknowledge little things too--things that seem minor and insignificant but do shape who I am.

I like folding laundry--the smell of the fabric softener and the soft warmth of the clean clothes. It is a soothing activity, and I find myself calmer while I sit in front of a mountain of laundry--folding and organizing them into tidy stacks. I wish life were as easy as laundry.

Sorting out the different loads.

Washing them on the appropriate cycles.

Drying them.

Folding them.

When my bedroom was next to the laundering area I used to run the dryer in the evening and fall asleep to the rumble and tumble of clothes. It was soothing.

Life is hardly like that!

I was awakened by stomping this morning--hearing a loud THUMP! THUMP! over my head...before 7 am. I called upstairs, "What's going on?" and my youngest son calls down to me--"Mom! The toilet is clogged! And I did a HUUUUUUUUUUGE poop in it!"

Great. Exactly what I wanted to wake up to--an almost overflowing toilet full of crap!

So, I dragged myself upstairs...bleary eyed...plunged the toilet and flushed it and my son turned the bathroom fan on and looked at me apologetically. "Sorry for the stinky poop, Mom--can you wipe my bottom now?"

My youngest son has the craziest ability to get into odd situations. Today he decided scissors would be fun to play with. And not the safety scissors from his school pencil box. Oh no, mommy's scissors. The large ones made with titanium blades that can cut through ANYTHING! First exploration--his tshirt. But I was unaware of this activity that had transpired and that he even had the scissors until he approached me with a bleeding thumb. I asked what happened and he did not answer. The conversation went something like this:

"I need a band aid mommy!"

"What happened? How did your thumb start bleeding?"

no answer...just him looking at me pitifully and holding his bleeding thumb up to me.

"Please tell me what happened."

Still, no answer.

I sighed, got a band aid and put it on his finger and asked one more time.

This time he lowered his eyes and whispered,

"I cut my thumb with scissors."

"What?!"

"I was just trying to carve a picture into the table and I accidentally cut my thumb."

I just shook my head and told him I was sad that he cut himself and that he was trying to cut up my table. Then he brought me his t-shirt.

He brought it to me with two large holes in it and asked me if I could sew them up. I asked why he cut his shirt and he said he was trying to make pockets in it.

This child!

It is hard not to allow my life to be swallowed whole by work and motherhood. I appreciated the COVID break--no work and time with nature and the kids. Now that I am back in the throes of full time work, budgeting on one income, juggling the kids, and then the daily domestic tasks that have to be done--the pounds are coming back on...the stress is real...and taking time for self care seems like a far off fantasy.

As the day extends and the weather becomes warmer, I plan to get back out there at the park and hike a couple of evenings a week. Between that and small things like--doing my makeup and having a glass of wine on the patio--maybe a hot bath now and again--hopefully it will refill my meter and I can recharge.

I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes. Unable to catch my breath.

Will things ever settle down?

Will I ever feel worthy/good enough?

Somehow, I will.

Somehow it will come together.

I can always hope, right?

Here is to you, reader. I hope that you are doing well.

I guarantee these struggles are familiar to many if not most of you.

I share them with you to comfort you and let you know you are not alone.

We are all in this rat race together.

I wish you well as you read this, and hope I am able to get another post up again soon.