It's Complicated

Alfred Hitchcock couldn't have said it better. I do not like complications or conflicting thoughts or the mental warfare regarding feelings. Yet it seems that when it comes to spending time in thought, I come right back to the same place:

The answers are not cut and dry. Everything is tangled up in an intricate knot--if you have ever had a thin, fine necklace that gets knotted together you can picture it. That frustrating effort to try and find where the knot begins and follow the path where it then weaves over and under bits of chain, getting caught in links and twisting in ways that seem impossible to untwist.

With the recent cold and rainy spell we have been having here, I have not headed to the trail--instead, I have contented myself with walking the neighborhood. It has been pleasant enough, as holiday lights are twinkling by the time I am able to get away and breathe in the icy air and clear my head. Some days I listen to podcasts. Other days I blast music. The times that plague me most though, are the walks where it is just me and my thoughts. A few evenings ago I walked furiously, filled with anger and frustration at where my life is currently at. It is easy to point fingers and blame circumstances or people. That is like blaming a knot for existing. It doesn't unravel all the kinks and twists and delicate knots imbedded within the knots.

I was considering a single word. A loaded word. That word was "truth," and a flood of similes and adjectives I associated with that term took my breath away as they bombarded me in a rush. Words like: "fabrications, scattered, sharp, brutal, twisted, piercing, skewed, misrepresentations, painful, revealing, disguised, neglected," and phrases like: "shards of truth, many faceted, forced pieces of a puzzle, distorted reflections," cropped up during this walk.

As I thought them, I jotted them down in my notes to reflect upon later. The words tumbled haphazardly through my mind--and they were all so discouraging and negative. It revealed a surprising depth of anger I found within me. A depth of mistrust and pain that I have buried and hidden away these past months. A lifetime of memories from being teased and bullied to being abandoned by people that should have been long lasting in my life.

I had to force myself to re-evaluate my thoughts and try to reshape my mind's response into something more positive, nonetheless, equally complicated. It took effort and time and I came up with a very short list: "truth: layers, challenging, enlightening, healing, connections, binding."

This "reframing" of my thoughts, while helpful, did not remove my anxiety, my sadness, or my anger. It gave me pause. It made me consider all the experiences that have shaped who I am. Since a young age I have been easily plied, manipulated and guilted into doing things I did not necessarily want to do--but did out of obligation. It then turned into this internal voice that automatically dictated what I "should" and "should not" do. My conscience guilted myself into doing things I didn't have the energy for, and I shrugged it off and categorized it as one of those sacrificial things I did to be a "good Christian." A recent conversation with a friend confirmed this. She said to me, "It isn't surprising that co-dependent type personalities are generally Christians." It was something to consider. Yes. And we use the voice of what we think is "God" which is really our unhealthy selves, to compel us to serve others and live a life where we feel worthless.

In reality, that is the LAST thing God wants for us. He does not want us to feel worthless, but loved and worthy of His son, who died for our sins. He wants us to feel important and cherished--who else knew us and our thoughts before there we formed them? There IS worth in EVERY person.

It has taken 41 years for me to get to this point. To look at my life and tell myself, "I am in control of my actions. I will not tolerate ____ anymore." I couldn't have gotten this far without my childhood friend--who has called me consistently twice a day over the past several months. He has been integral in helping me work through this roller coaster of feelings in my life. There is no judgement, only helpful analogies, anecdotes, and lots of laughter. The levity he brings has been indispensable. He is not afraid to speak bluntly and I appreciate his candor and insight. I have a couple of other essential friends that have stuck by me without judgement through this time and I am SOO thankful for them every day.

All I can say, all I can recommend, is never give up. Persevere. Think. Accept. Confess. Verbally acknowledge and purge your thoughts and feelings. This blog has been more a healing tool for me than anything else. I have a deep longing to write stories--true stories of others who have been through some crazy things--to encourage and bless others going through similar challenges. I hope to graduate from survival and healing--to growth and expansion and fruition.

Interestingly enough, a close friend asked me this morning, "If you cannot talk about it, it has already taken control of your life. What do you think?"

I have been mulling this over the past few hours and believe that there is some truth to this. Things that you bury deep within...that you refuse to discuss...generally do have a hold on you. I believe that is why I attribute my blog writing to helping in the healing process. Because I am talking about the things in my heart and on my mind that I do not generally verbally talk about.

Like I said in the beginning, it's complicated. Nothing is so simple and easy as we would like it to be. There are so many layers and reasons for why we act as we do. I cannot spend my life pondering over why my ex left me--it's more than just a simple, "he doesn't love me anymore." There are layers of hurt in his past that contributed to his decision that do not have anything to do with me. He has to work through these things on his own. It is not my job to fix him or make him whole. I tried for 17 years and my efforts amounted to very little.

I could have written about a great many things today, but this is what has weighed the heaviest on my mind and heart over the past few days. I could have written about the upcoming holidays and presented something heartwarming and affirming, but this year--this journey--has been anything but heartwarming and affirming. It has been challenging and painful and unlike anything experienced to date. I hope I can write something more fuzzy and warm before the new year. We shall see.

If you have been following me the past months--thank you. I am sure you have read a great many things over the months --and I may have contradicted myself at times, or seemed wishy washy--I assure you, I am just conveying my thoughts as they come to me. Life is a roller coaster--there are ups and downs and the amount of inconsistency and craziness is palpable. I have only begun to scratch the surface of what goes on in my mind.

It is--reality. Nothing goes as planned. Nothing moves in a straight line. My thoughts are all akimbo and it is okay. I plan on just going with it. And as things come to me, I will write them for you to read and think on. I hope that within all my posts there are "aha!" moments that speak to you and bless you or make you think.

I cannot promise I will write again before Christmas. And in case I do not, Merry Christmas to you all! Thanks again for joining me on my journey.