Looking back...at 2020

Oftentimes I find myself telling others not to look back, that the past is behind you and the focus should be looking forward.

This morning I found myself reflecting on the past, and it was not a time of nostalgia and wishing for things that could have been. It was exactly as Morgan Freeman said, "It's like looking back down a mountain to the desert floor." I look back in astonishment--from who I was to who I am.

Yesterday was what I thought was going to be a very difficult day. It was the 6 year anniversary of my father's death. A little background information: 6 years ago my father fatally shot his wife (my stepmother) and then himself. He left his three children (then 11, 13, and 15) in the care of my sister and her husband. Within 6 months, my family relocated from Charleston, SC to be close and help out. Within 6 months of that, my then 90 year old grandmother sold her condo in Long Island, NY and moved in with my sister to help out as well. So my sister went from a 4 person family to an 8 person family in the blink of an eye, and I have to say, I am proud of my sister and her husband for handling it as well as they have. They have shown strength, resilience, and a tremendous amount of patience.

The elder two of the three half siblings are doing well--in college and seemingly well adjusted. The youngest has been living with me this past year, my small contribution to the situation at hand. I also try and help out with my now 96 year old grandmother--taking her on biweekly walks and helping bathe her afterwards. In spite of her age, she is generally rather spry and her mind and tongue still sharp as ever!

In the very midst of my half sibling moving in with us, my husband at the time moved out. I felt it was cruel timing, what did I know about teenage boys? I spent many months having to juggle being abandoned and navigating a separation, 2 young boys of my own, my 17 year old half brother, running a Preschool as a first time Director, finding a second part time job to make ends meet, AND then COVID struck!

It was what one might call, "the perfect storm."

I have heard a lot of people say that 2020 was the worst year. I guess my "2020" started September of 2019 right after my 40th birthday...that's when everything began falling apart for me.

This was my "desert" I look down and see when I look back. I was at the heaviest weight I had ever been. I drank heavily at times, cried desperately and long into the night, and pitied myself for my situation. I made poor choices, cried over those, and then made more poor choices--and cried over those as well. My heart was heavy, filled with anger and confusion, and I blamed myself 100% for the things that happened.

From September through January 2020 I was a complete mess. From January until May I was less of a mess but still struggling. I decided to take action. To take back my life. With support from those who care about me, and my DivorceCare group, I found my voice and began writing again. I started looking forward again instead of drowning in the past and all those, "what ifs?" From June through September I discovered hiking--and began putting this time as a priority because it helped to clear my head, gather insight from God's creation, and grow in mind, body and spirit. November and December have been my "boundary" months--I am working on standing up for what is best for my family and myself and setting firm boundaries in my life to protect what's most important.

I am now the healthiest I've ever been--walking 5 miles a day and down 40 pounds. I am working on finding full time work with benefits and still writing (though not as frequently). I have goals for my life and see the future as something to look forward to and not dread. I have made lifelong friends and have a strong support network that keeps me encouraged! My boys are healthy and working hard on remote learning! I can look back and see the difference--I am looking down on where I was and it is a tremendous difference.

I am no where near perfect. I still have ups and downs and still contemplate things deeply. I am on a road of healing and the path is still moving upward and onward. I hope that this time next year I will have even more progress to reflect on and praise God for. It is only through Him that I have made it this far.

Lessons learned in 2020:

-Nothing is set in stone: marriage, for instance or even close friendships

-Abandonment and rejection happen, sometimes when you least expect or deserve it

-Other people's opinions of me are none of my business

-I can only control myself

-I am stronger than I realized

-Boundaries are important and healthy

-God is everywhere--from the smallest mushroom to the tallest mountain

-Love reveals itself in surprising places at surprising times

-Self-care really IS a thing

-I am in love with nature, hiking, and seeing God in all His creation

-It is important to stay true to myself--to have integrity--service and giving are a huge part of who I am. I accept it and want to embrace it while still setting boundaries so I do not get taken advantage of.

Goals for 2021:

Stay true to myself

Keep setting boundaries

Be stable and secure for my boys

Grow in my relationship with the Lord

Keep writing

Hike--hoping to maybe get another stretch of the Appalachian Trail in

Have a full time job with benefits and excel in it

Teach my boys responsibility and independence and to have integrity

Work on being Financially Independent

Offer love and support to my friends and family

It is a lot--and I challenge you to reflect on this year, where you were and compare it to where you are now. Life is full of difficulties, and I am thankful to have made it through this year. In spite of all the pain and struggle--I can honestly say I am stronger, better, and more aware. I do not regret any longer the trials that were set before me, and I am thankful to have been stretched beyond what I thought I was capable of handling--and come out on the other side more resilient than before.