So, I did a thing...

I jumped out of a plane.

From 13,500 feet up in the air.

I had a tandem jumper who prompted me and assisted me with the jump. His name is Charlie, and I found out after the fact that he had done 1781 jumps before the one we did.

It didn’t really hit me how terrified I was going to be until we were about 300 feet in the air of the airplane. The take off felt like it took forever, and the climb upwards was slow and bumpy. Below me, the buildings and trees were looking like dollhouse miniatures and I asked Charlie how high up we were and his response was "about 300 feet," and that is when my stomach clenched up. Only 300 feet? We still had over 13,000 feet left to go! We were in a tiny, rickety private plane with two long benches in it. We all straddled the bench facing the tail end of the plane and it felt strange to be flying backwards. The cream colored metal inside the cabin was clearly rusting around the edges of the rivets, and I wasn’t feeling particularly confident; however the reassuring smiles of all the jumpers around me including one dressed like buzz light year helped boost my confidence-- not that I was going to survive-- but that I was going to do this.

The turbulence was pretty rough and I could feel every gust of wind. Every time my stomach dropped, my fear escalated and I felt a little nauseated. It was during this time that I began to question myself, what was I thinking? and as Charlie tightened up the straps connecting the two of us he asked me, "Are you ready?" and I shook my head no and he tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Megan, are you ready?" and then very quietly he said, "You have to say yes otherwise we’re not jumping." Oh boy.

So I said yes.

It was timidly at first and then more firmly, and he said, "All right! Let’s go! You’re in good hands!" And for what seemed to be the longest two minutes of my life, we waited for the light on the side of the airplane door to turn green to indicate we were good to jump. I leaned back into Charlie’s arms, I held the straps of my parachute for my harness really tightly and I arched my body back when he said, "ARCH!" and we jumped out into the wild, blue nothingness.

I was startled at first and had that immediate sensation of falling--the feeling of your stomach dropping as though you’re on a roller coaster-- and I was like, oh no please don’t let this be two minutes of this feeling and then we went into a backflip in the air, and then we were facedown free falling.

It was this amazing feeling of weightlessness that took my breath away. I was able to put my arms out and experience the force of the wind and just exist. Falling through the clouds and seeing land coming closer and closer wasn’t scary at all--and extremely surreal.

It was exhilarating and thrilling and quite frankly it’s changed my life, my perspective, my worries, and my emotions and I would have to say I recommend it to all those who walk the mundane world of life.

The parachuting down was fabulous, seeing the world from such a height

and when we landed it was surprisingly gentle. We kind of slid into the ground softly and I could feel my heart racing and I had to stop and catch my breath. Charlie unclipped me and indicated I was free to go, however I said, "I just need a minute," and he said that was completely understandable.

Let me let you in on a little secret: it took more than a minute for my body and my mind to absorb and process the entire experience. Though entering the plane to jumping and then landing took no more than 25 minutes-- it took both the 45 minute ride home and a full night's sleep before it all sank in.

It wasn't until I received a message from a friend before it fully hit me just how monumental and altered I felt. My friend had said that I would be riding high for a while and I was, but it was more than an adrenaline rush and more than endorphins.

It was a path I took that will forever change the way I approach life.

Another friend of mine had told me before I jumped that I had to leave everything behind on the plane, and later on when I spoke to this friend again he said, "Well, I guess you left everything behind you." When I asked what he meant I also said, "I don’t know if I left anything behind," he responded, "If you hadn’t left everything behind you, you wouldn’t have jumped."

I do not know why I felt astonished at this; however I do know him to be quite insightful.

At this point I had truly marked this experience as a leap of faith, a leap forward from my old life and into a new one-- one that would be full of adventure and opportunities to learn and grow.

An employee from the skydiving center told me that everyone has a reason for that first jump. She was right. I was just done with my life, done with holding back and not exploring and doing the things that I’ve always wanted to do. I was done with putting maximum effort into everybody else’s life except my own. I’ve lived too many years hoping for somebody to invest in me and have come up short time and time again.

I kept thinking what’s wrong with me,? Why am I not valuable to others? And that really is a question, isn’t it?

In all fairness, I know in my heart that God loves me, and then I’m worth it to Him and that He paid the ultimate price for my life and my existence in this world. However, I also know that I am a very, very weak human and want to feel valued and worthy to somebody on this earth. It is a failing, and one among many other things in my life that I’m coming to terms with and looking to change for the better every day.

I want to take the time to take care of myself spiritually, mentally, physically emotionally and psychologically. I used to think that self-care was a big joke, and that it was so self-centered to care of yourself, but it’s a theme that keeps coming up in so many different ways in my life.

Whether it be: you can’t take care of others unless you’re taking care of yourself first, or you have to put your oxygen on first when you’re in a plane before you put it on your kids or, how is anybody going to treat you well if you don’t treat yourself well? These are all very good questions, and the most looming question of them is: Megan if you’re not feeling worth it because people are treating you that way, what are you gonna do about it?

It seemed to me the only solution was to stop doing the things that I have always done and expecting different results, and begin taking steps to make changes.

I’ve sought retail therapy, alcohol therapy, and float therapy (which is a real thing and it is a very surreal and cool experience that everyone should try once in their life), and it’s funny, they’ve all given me this false sense of appreciation for myself or this kind of feeling of nothingness. None of these things have ultimately changed my life for the better in any positive or significant way.

I realized that when I jumped out of that plane I was putting my faith and trust into a complete stranger. I saw plainly that my fear stemmed from not knowing more than anything and I suspect that the faith that we are supposed to have in God is very similar. It’s not just an every day ho-hum I trust you God, it is an absolute willingness to put your life in His hands and say, all right Lord, not my life but yours; not my will, but yours.

The lesson out of all this for me is that I need to be the change that I want to see in myself. It’s not going to just happen to you. You have to CHOOSE to take that step, or that leap. I waited most of my adult life for things to happen to me and always wondered when my turn would come to get a break in life. I realize now that is such a defeatist attitude, and I say to myself, Megan, now is your turn. You are going to choose to live life and you are going to:

accept the things that come your way,

take that jump,

write that post,

hike to somewhere you’ve never been before,

hike all 2200 miles of the Appalachian trail

become a licensed skydiver and jump for fun

I can do it! I have to tell myself these things and keep encouraging myself that

I can teach my kids to be independent, responsible, loving, kind and not rely on others to do it for them.

My mentality has changed in many ways. I don’t have time to get angry at my ex or worry about the future (that does not mean I won't sometimes).

Because I’m ready to live NOW.

I’m ready to live my best life come what may, and jumping out of that plane was only the beginning.