The Power of Perception

“Thoughts become perception. Perception becomes reality. Alter your thoughts, Alter your reality.”

--William James

“Perception is real even when it is not reality.” --Edward de Bono

Look at this work of art by Salvador Dali. It is a prime example of perception versus reality. You can look at this and interpret it any way you choose.

Life is exactly the same way. Each of us individually can look at this same painting and apply it to our experiences and "see" it in a way that only we can see it!

It is so exciting to think about the endless possibilities. The artist had his own vision, but that does not mean it is the ONLY true meaning behind this work. One person may relate to the butterflies, another the shoes, someone else the tones of colors used or the expression of the face on the painting. Regardless, anyone who views this particular painting will have his own unique take on it. For that person, the meaning and value in that painting is indeterminable. Some people may look at it and scoff, thinking it "silly" or "unrelatable."

For others, it may be incredibly impactful and hold meaning and depth that will transport that viewer to another place and inspire her to think deeply about life.

This is perception in a nutshell. I have heard from my therapist that, "You cannot change the perception of another person by your actions." This statement has changed my world. Not only do I have no idea how different someone else's perception is, there is nothing I can do to change it. People will think what they think and it will have more to do with their own life experiences than my actions, intentions, or desires.

Let's use my life as an example.

Back as far as I can remember, I have ALWAYS worried about what others thought of me. I have not done any research on this, and so I cannot say that this is genetic or instilled in me via parenting. However I CAN say that as far back as I can remember, I have wanted everyone to think well of me.

My recollections go as far back as when I was a little girl under the age of 8. My mother had a friend who came over with her daughter, and she admired my favorite pair of shoes--red patent leather with straps and a bow on each (I imagined myself to be Dorothy in these shoes). What did I do? I sent her home with my favorite shoes. Did I EVER see this girl again? No. And yet, her opinion of me meant enough that I gave my favorite shoes to her.

I would really like to know if this kind of personality is just naturally born within us, or if it is learned. Simply speaking, that was only the beginning of my life as a "people pleaser." Some of you may be able to relate to me! If so, welcome to the life of trying to please everyone (spoiler alert: you can't). Many of you will scoff and be unable to relate--well, hello healthier people!

I have spent much of my life living the lie called “my perception.”

I thought that saying, “no” was the worst possible thing I could do to another person, and that if I ever said, “no” then people may think poorly of me.

I proudly became "Megan the dependable!” "Megan the reliable!” And guess what? I really became “Megan the worrier.” “Megan the pushover.” And eventually, “Megan the Resentful.”

I thought that by doing this I was avoiding the pain of people disliking me.

I thought that by doing this I was being a good “Christian.”

I was taught that I had to:

“Love my neighbor as myself,”

And,

“Turn the other cheek,”

And,

“If someone asks for my coat, I should give them my shirt too,” right?

Right?

RIGHT???

All these lessons and experiences culminated into “Megan the Worrier.”

I worried about everything:

What do people think of me?

Should I have said that?

Am I too annoying?

Am I too ugly?

With these thoughts running through my head it is no wonder my perception was skewed.

I grew up insecure, thinking I was not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc...

When my parents divorced my world crumbled and I realized I could not control anything!

Insecurity and feeling a lack of control is a recipe for a disaster.

The rest is history.

There is nothing new that occurs, just a continuous cycle of feeling insecure and out of control, then not setting boundaries and saying, “no” to those around me. Then there is the feeling resentful because I did not necessarily want to do everything everyone asked of me, and that led to guilt which led to...you guessed it, feeling insecure.

Despite all my efforts, all my “attainable” goals (I tried to set those low because I was insecure), and all the years of sacrifice, I ended up feeling out of control and unworthy.

Still.

What an exhausting life I’ve led!

And guess what?

It didn’t have to be so hard.

I didn’t HAVE to say “yes” to everyone.

What if I took the time to think about my decisions and hold myself responsible for them?

If someone asks me to do them a favor, I have a conversation with myself and tell myself, “Megan—this is YOUR decision. You CHOOSE if you will do this or will not. If you say, ‘yes’ then you may NOT get resentful or frustrated. If you say, ‘no’ you may NOT feel guilty. Someone else can help them.”

We all have an internal dialogue that’s constantly talking, perceiving, assuming, and deciding. When your internal dialogue is nothing but insecure and worried thoughts, it shapes your perceptions as well as your actions.

I used to try on clothes and mentally beat myself up about my weight and think, “I can’t wear that! People will be disgusted by (insert flabby body part here)!"

My perception had gotten so bad that I would actually decide others’ thoughts for them! (Boy, that doesn’t sound controlling or anything) That is when I learned an important lesson.

I am NOT a mind reader.

I can never know what another person thinks or how another person perceives myself or anything else. A prime example is my ex. For years I thought he felt a certain way and I was wrong. This was supposed to be the person I knew best, and I found that I hardly knew him and struggled wondering all the whys behind why he left and what he really thought of me all these years. This boggled my mind and when I spoke to my therapist about it, she very kindly and directly shared a quote with me, “What other people think of you is none of your business,” (Regina Brett). Ouch.

Once I stopped trying to figure out what others thought of me and started being responsible for my own thoughts and decisions, something changed.

I changed.

I started making my own decisions. Once I started making my own decisions then my “yes,” really meant “yes.” It wasn’t something I felt compelled to do any longer, but something I chose to do for whatever reason I deemed it worthy. Resentment and guilt no longer reigned; the cycle was broken. Once you do things because you choose to, it changes your entire perception. No longer is it something you are doing because you feel you “have to.”

It is liberating to have my own mind back. To make choices and be responsible for them. I still second guess myself, and I worry sometimes, but I am learning to talk it out with people rather than presume I have any idea what they are thinking.

I have a lot more practicing to do, saying “no” still does not come easily to me.

It is a journey—to figure oneself out and to be true to her.

I am ready for it, and I encourage you NOT to be enslaved by your perceptions! Really hold your thoughts captive and OWN them. Be true to yourself and attempt to see reality for what it really is.

If you have gotten this far, then wow, I APPLAUD you for sticking this post out. Thank you for listening to my ramblings. I hope that this blessed you somehow.

Don't forget! Until next time...

Keep thinking! Keep pondering! Keep meandering!