What are goals about anyways???

Stop

Waiting

for Friday

for summer

for that text

for that phone call

for someone to fall in love with you

for life

for ________ (fill in the blank)

Happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it and make the most of the moment you are in now.

Before now I looked at my home, my car, my job and what I could buy my kids and spouse as gauges of success. I see now that those things are not as meaningful--I put a weight on those things and half of them are boxed up in the storage room and awaiting donation. Stuff is just stuff. I tried so hard to make sure everyone had what they needed and wanted, and am seeing that I have spent so much money and so many hours of hard work--to buy things we don't even need.

I would rather look back and recall fond memories of trips or experiences with the kids. I took the boys on a trail this week and we just meandered--stopped and tried to skip rocks on the lake, stopped and looked at every turtle, squirrel, dragonfly, rotten log, and goose! I let them lead and I followed. They climbed large rocks, tried to balance on felled logs, and my older son took pictures of everything using my phone! All it cost was a couple of hours of time and it was the best two hours of my week!

I have spent this past week thinking a lot about goals--what I want my life to look like in the future, and what I am going to be about over the next few decades. I spent a very brief amount of time stumbling around an online dating app, and decided it was not for me. It kind of sparked something deep inside me, and made me take a hard look at what I want. I am 40, after all, and my early goals in life only included being a good wife and a good mom. Part of those goals did NOT include divorce, however, life's journey includes paths that do not unfold for us until we are close up. In my journey I envision myself in a densely wooded area with great rocky mountains and cliffs around me. It is hard going up and sometimes I fall because I am not paying attention. The cliffs are precipices I cannot venture off of--limitations in my life.

I have thought long and hard about my limitations, my options, and my desires. I have come up with goals that are not contingent on other people being in my life, a specific timeline, or a set amount of money. My goals are simple: to write freely and without fear, to live a healthier lifestyle, to be the best mom I can be to my two boys, to live a life of love for the Lord, and to retire in a tiny house in the mountains with an amazing view. These goals do not require me to have a life partner, be a millionaire, get a promotion, or own anything excessive. Just a quiet life in a small space, with the basics. A coffee maker, my bible, and a laptop are all musts!

Within those goals are some smaller daily goals: taking the boys around the country in an RV one summer to see the sites! Hiking and canoeing! Reading and learning as much as I can! Spending meaningful time with friends. Helping others when I am able. Paring down on what I own and living more sustainably. Appreciating the view while on my journey and paying attention.

Life looks so different on the other side of 40! I felt like the world was my oyster in my 20s--but I lived in fear and by self inflicted rules of who I thought I should be and where I should be and what I should be doing. I got sidetracked along the way and was consumed by circumstances beyond my control, and the need to please everyone. I put all my energy chasing after people, being what they needed me to be to reduce conflict, and honestly, I ended up alone, empty, and feeling like I had lost my identity in the process.

I told my friend the other day that I feel like I am one year old! It has been almost one year since this broken journey began and I am slowly figuring out what I like, what I want, and who I am! I am picking up pieces of things I always wanted to do from when I was young, reflecting on people who have inspired me in life along the way, on lessons I have learned through this journey, and creating a plan for my life that feels satisfying to me and is attainable and yet still challenging. My life has become so much richer because of the friends I have made that I would NEVER have met had it not been for the separation, and I can look back and honestly say that though one of the hardest things I have ever been through, it has also been one of the BEST things that ever happened to me. It has forced me to wake up, see things with clarity, prioritize my life, and set goals!

Goals will propel me to keep going until I have achieved them, because they are MY goals!

I am feeling excited for the first time since I gave birth to my second child! This is my new adventure, and a new chapter in my life. I look at this as the beginning of the rest of my life, and I am ready to press forward with gusto!