What do we do with all the pain?

i wanted to write down exactly what i felt

but somehow

the paper stayed empty

and i could not have described it any better

-wtm

Pain.

It is something that everyone has to endure at some point in life.

I am not talking about stepping on a lego, or getting stung by a bee. I am talking about the gut wrenching agony that causes people to throw up, have mind splitting headaches, ugly cry till their eyes have swollen shut, or self medicate through alcohol and drugs. The pain inflicted by those we care about the most, by circumstances or events beyond our control that take something important from us, or by anything that robs us of the feelings of safety and security--it is emotional and drives deep into our core.

This kind of pain robs people of the will to continue in the daily grind of life, turns trust into fear, and skews all our perspectives on life. I have seen this kind of pain be disguised as resentment, hate, vengeance, and anger. These kind of feelings can mess with every aspect of our lives: our relationships with those we are close to, our emotional well being, mental health, sleep, focus, and our physical health as well. The stress of living under such extreme duress can increase our blood pressure and decrease our immune system. We end up irritable, suspicious, and depressed.

I am writing from not only my experiences, but also others before and beside me that have or are currently experiencing such pain.

The images above illustrate such pain beautifully, and I have encountered them as I try to walk through and work through my own pain. The pain is what drove me to take up these long hikes, and they have helped tremendously in giving me time to think about things. Inspiration was unveiled through these trees...

These images spoke to me because symbolically, they represent pain. The first image I took because each time I walked this trail I notice this tree has a rock strategically placed on top of it. This tree is carrying a burden that another person imposed upon it. Unfortunately for that tree, it cannot get rid of that rock. It speaks to me in so many ways, because there are so many things out of our control in life--and much of it is imposed by others.

The image to the right here is of a tree that had been charred. I encountered a fairly large swath of trail that contains dozens of trees that looked scorched and had endured a fire. This tree had layers upon layers of singed bark, and yet underneath, healthy bark was emerging and the tree survived.

This tree is covered in bumps, the result of some sort of bacteria or virus. It looks so different from the other trees, and as of yet I have not encountered a tree that looks quite like this one. Visually it represents deformity, illness, or just being different. Could something like this be a cause for anger or resentment? Most definitely.

The fourth image is a tree that I assume has been drilled most likely by a woodpecker or some other boring insect. It bears its scars with dignity and is a mighty tree in spite of all the holes. The interesting thing to me about this tree is the fact that if this was the work of a woodpecker, the tree had insects living inside of it that the bird removed.

This tree is literally holding another tree up between its branches. There is no way that this tree asked to carry the burden of another entire tree, and yet there it is, bearing the dead weight of an entire tree, and still surviving. We all carry burdens from others, sometimes to the point of exhaustion; and many of us try to be responsible completely for others.

Here is a tree that has had barbed wire wrapped around it. The barbed wire is embedded in its trunk and has reshaped the form of this tree's trunk entirely. The wire is in numerous locations and is now a part of this tree. This tree was possibly unable to grow up straight and tall because of the abuse it endured.

These trees grew out of the edge of land by a stream. We cannot choose the circumstances, location, or time we are born--and neither did these trees. The trees' survival depends on the strength of their roots clinging to the sides of the earth.

The final picture is a tree that is decomposing. It has been covered by fungi that is feeding off of it and helping it to go back into the earth. When others leave our lives as well as the circumstances of their leaving (death, divorce, estrangement) there is little we can do about it.

If I put these images into human perspective, they are all situations that can be translated into human suffering of some sort. Regardless of the circumstances we were born into, or the events that occurred that were completely out of our control, or the things that others do to us, all we can do is respond. All we can control is ourselves. We cannot control anything else in this life.

Now that I have gone into the details of pain and given examples through the illustrations presented on my hikes, what can we do about it? What's next? For the trees, there is little to be done. They are inanimate and though living, are unable to change any of their situations. What is impactful is seeing that a majority of these trees were alive, hearty, and thriving in spite of the condition I found them in.

I was asked by a friend to talk about forgiveness. I spent a lot of time deliberating on whether this was something I felt qualified to discuss, and in the end, I decided to go ahead and share my findings and beliefs about it. I am no expert on this subject, and please do not suppose that I am trying to force any of my thoughts on you. It is my personal belief that forgiveness is essential to living a life of love, peace, and joy.

According to the Oxford Dictionary, "forgive" means to, "Stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offense, flaw or mistake." also, "To cancel a debt."

From the website https://greatergood.berkeley.edu, in an article on "What is Forgiveness?" it states,

"Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to

release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed

you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness... Forgiveness does

not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses."

In September of 2019, my husband of 16 years dropped a bomb on me saying he didn't "love me" anymore. In mid-October, he moved out of the house, leaving me and our two boys in a state of confusion, panic, and shock. A co-worker of mine suggested I join a divorce support group, and at that time I just was not in a place to listen to or discuss this aspect of my life with anyone. I was devastated and living in survival mode. I spent hours each day crying as soon as I woke up, anytime I had a moment to myself at work, and after the kids were in bed each night.

I self-medicated with alcohol and compulsive shopping. I was in a constant state of disbelief and denial. By the time the holidays were over and a divorce support group was again suggested, I was not in a better place; however I knew I needed it, so I signed up and began attending in January of 2020. This beautiful group of kindred spirits met weekly. We cried together, prayed for each other, and eventually, we cried less and laughed more. Our prayers became more hopeful, and just as we were going into the last 3 weeks of our class, it was stopped due to quarantine.

This was mid-March, and I had closed my preschool for the same reason and was at home, just my boys and me. There was little work to keep me distracted, and no support group to help me cope. I had time in abundance, and it forced me to confront my pain, bitterness, and anger. I have since come to a place of healing through forgiveness; however it was not easy, and is still something I continue to work on daily.

I have been in a unique situation, in that my ex did not have the means to afford his own apartment. He has been renting a room in an airbnb and is currently looking for an apartment with a roommate. During this time of quarantine I have encouraged him to visit the kids here at our home for safety reasons. He has not yet secured a place of residence stable enough to have the boys 3 nights a week, and so he is here at our home three days per week. He spends the day here with the boys.

With all the drama that can unfold in this sort of situation, I struggled immensely to keep it together. I was forced to face my pain for entire days at a time, while I was still not in a place to forgive or heal. This person was eating my food, using my home, and spending time with our children while chatting it up with girls from Match or Tinder. It was torture, and from March until late June, I didn't think I was going to make it without blowing up at him.

I started flipping through my study guide on handling divorce and separation. What was the next step in the healing process? Forgiveness????

Really!??

I mean, REALLY???

I recall a meeting with my group where we were deep in discussion about "forgiveness," a topic that was coming up in several weeks. Not one person in the group was interested in attending that session, and we ended up not meeting for it because of quarantine. After speaking with several people from our group recently, it seems to me that most if not all, are still not in a place where forgiveness is an option.

Feelings and thoughts of vengeance, bitterness, resentment and hate stem from anger. It has been my experience that anger is just a cover for deep-rooted pain. Pain stems from circumstances or events that occurred to us, that were out of our control. It is natural for us to bury our pain. It is natural for us to feel anger. There is no formula of time for healing from pain. It is individual to each of us, and cannot be forced or rushed.

For me, it was time. I knew I was holding a grudge. I knew I was only hurting myself by not letting go and...doing that awful thing.... that I did NOT want to do. That thing HE did not deserve from me. And yet...I was miserable. I had dug my heels in long enough.

So I looked up articles on dealing with pain and resentment. I found an anonymous quote that said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies." I read my Bible. I prayed. I listened to podcasts on forgiveness and they all said the same thing. That forgiveness is not for the person who wronged you. Forgiveness is for the forgiver, to help them release the thing that is holding them back.

As Christians we are called to "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you,"(Colossian 3:13 NIV).

Something profound that I ran across in an online devotional and then was mentioned again by a friend (and when the same message comes up in two unrelated circumstances I know to LISTEN closely), was the situation in which Jesus found Himself on the evening of the "Last Supper." That was to be the last time Jesus would spend in fellowship with His disciples. He greeted each of them with the same love, and He knew that Judas had already betrayed Him, and yet Jesus spent that evening washing each of their feet--including Judas'. He offered love, compassion, and forgiveness to all of them--He served each of them, knowing the events that had yet to pass: betrayal, denial, fear and doubt. It did not matter. He had forgiven them each before it even happened.

How many of us would be so gracious as Christ? If I had known my ex would leave me as he did, would I have served him as I did those 16 years? As an imperfect human with emotions like anyone else, I would have to say, "No way!"

I hemmed and hawed and waited and thought about it. Then I did that again. Then yet again. Finally, I did it. Just as love is a choice, so is forgiveness. We like to say we don't feel like doing it, and so we don't. We just sit in our anger (disguised pain) and beat ourselves up. It takes time until we feel ready to forgive, and for me, it was because I had come to a place where I had to choose either to keep living in pain, anger and resentment, or live my life without those heavy emotions weighing me down.

I took it to God on one of my walks. I very specifically told Him that I wanted to be obedient, that I am choosing to forgive my ex for leaving us. I am choosing to forgive him for hurting me over and over. I am choosing to forgive him for ....

Once I made this choice, there was a weight lifted from me. It was no longer up to me to judge my ex for his choices and actions. That is on him and is his life. I am no longer responsible for it in any way. I am responsible for myself, and I am choosing to not let his actions have any bearing or control over my emotions any more.

Does that mean I am jolly all day every day? Not even close. And there are times when things get stirred up and I get angry with him. I have to give it up and choose forgiveness. It is something I used to have to do daily. Now it is not as frequently (it is more situational now). I can tell you one thing though, I have begun to forgive all the people in my life who I've been hurt by. Some wounds go years back. I have had to forgive my father for his actions--I carried a lot of anger towards him, and many others. It has been liberating, and has helped me be a better co-parent (though I still get annoyed), and not live so wrapped up in the pain in my life.

So, what do we do with the pain? We choose LOVE. We choose FORGIVENESS. We choose LIGHT. By doing these things we grow and learn and become stronger from the pain.

"To Err is Human; To Forgive is Divine."

-Alexander Pope