When reality catches up to you...

When I say that I have been on a journey, that is no exaggeration. My last post was about love--and I freely confessed to being a hopeless romantic. Ironic though it may seem, I CHOOSE this silly perception over facing the hard reality of my life so far. This does not mean I do not live in reality. Quite the opposite.

It has been a year since I began this blog and some of my posts have been light hearted, some vulnerable, and some unrealistic. This does not change reality. My words change nothing. My words merely create a boundary/give shape to my feelings and perceptions and thoughts.

We wake up and face reality on a daily basis.

It is the drool on our pillow and the bags under our eyes when we look in the mirror at the face that only slept 3-4 hours. It is the pile of wrinkled clothes that yes, we washed--but no, we didn't iron or hang up. It is the morning breath that smells like old garbage, and the mental call for coffee that drags us to the kitchen. It is shivering in our holey pajama pants and old stained t-shirt, clutching that coffee mug (of day old coffee--admit it, you drink it as well) and debating if we should work out, read something uplifting, or just sit in a fog while we wait for the caffeine to kick in. Most of the time we sit in the fog and hope time will stand still for us.

It is listening to your kids bicker and rough house and not saying anything because, well, honestly, maybe if one of them gets hurt they will learn their lesson--which, surprise!--they do not. It is finally barking at them to settle down and get dressed, and HURRY UP ALREADY, WE ARE RUNNING LATE! It is shoving cereal bars or better yet, donut holes in their hands to eat in the car as we race down the road, trying to beat the traffic across town.

It is feeling relief when the kids are dropped off and knowing you have a few minutes of quiet to compose yourself before you arrive to work. Then, spilling coffee on your wrinkled clothes and while mopping it up with a receipt you found on the seat beside you, it is slamming on your brakes because the car in front of you did and dammit if they weren't there a second ago!

Reality is zoning out while driving and looking back at your life and wondering, "What the hell happened? How did I get here?"

The answers to this question tumble into your mind in an avalanche of painful memories.

I reflect on MY reality--past and present. The future is a mere vapor of hopefulness--it is not reality and no where near close to being like reality. My past reality sounds like this:

I was bullied as a child

I was a bit of a handful--feisty and stubborn and always getting into mischief

I liked to destroy things when I got mad

My parents divorced when I was 15

My dad left our family for an older woman

then left her for a woman half his age

He had three more kids, and when I asked him for help as a young adult I was told, "No. I have my own family to take care of."

It was being disowned not once, but TWICE by my grandmother

It was being emotionally and sexually abused

It was my mom remarrying multiple times

It was a hard marriage that felt oftentimes, lopsided and empty

It was a hard childbirth for my firstborn, and many physical complications after

It was battling anxiety and depression

It was fighting low self esteem and struggling to be perfect at everything and failing

It was dealing with rejection, abandonment, and a painful autoimmune disease that still plagues me

It was my dad and stepmother's tragic and unnecessary deaths--dealing with his (my father's) actions as a murderer who committed suicide and left his "replacement" children to his other children to care for

It was being left by the man I faithfully served and supported for 16 years

It was feeling like a failure in every aspect of my life

It was filing bankruptcy to support my family

It was giving up a job I loved to support my boys as a single mother

It was losing my best friend

It was seeing that those who I relied on were not who they said they were and having to face that I am alone in my life and must continue to fight and get it all done

It is the daily fear of failure

EVERYDAY FEARING:

Of not being successful at my new job

Of not being able to support my kids

Of not being a good enough mother, sister, daughter, friend, employee

Of losing my current support system that I feel I rely on far too much

So, I tell you and myself right at this very moment, THIS IS MY REALITY.

No one is perfect.

No life is perfect.

No marriage or friendship or relationship is perfect

and NEVER will they EVER be.

I fight every day--I fight the dregs of reality--to remain hopeful

to remain positive

to believe in love

to have faith and cherish the small things that do exist in my reality

I just felt like it was important to address that in spite of my hopefulness and sometimes unrealistic desires and views, I am fully and completely aware of what reality is. I am grounded enough to know where I come from, and how I move throughout my days and my life.

Everyday is a struggle. There is always something going on.

I live in a never ending battle with myself.

Some days I lose, most days I lose.

But I keep going. I keep hoping.

I say all this to acknowledge all of YOU out there, reading this--reality is hard. Facing it and accepting is even harder. Moving past it to hopefulness and retaining some semblance of positivity is the HARDEST of all. We ALL of us fight through the same struggles--they may be different events, people, etc. but it all boils down to reality. I can not know your reality because as an outsider looking on someone else's life, I am perceiving your reality. We can only live out and own OUR OWN reality--if that makes sense. This is why judging others is useless. We can only perceive other's feelings and thoughts and realities. Until we are in the shoes of another person, we cannot judge.

We are all in this thing called life. And within it, we each live reality deal with things in the best way we know how. This is why it is so important to spread love and positivity and support and encouragement where ever and when ever you can. Because living in reality is not easy.

May this post speak to you deeply.