Who am I? Who are you?

This is the million dollar question that I ask myself constantly. "Who am I?"

There is a certain amount of distortion that comes with this question. We tend to see things as we are, and not as they truly are. We have been affected by circumstances, people, beliefs, upbringings, and perception.

And frankly, sometimes I feel like I do not know myself and I am wandering through life aimlessly.

I have a friend who has quoted to me multiple times, "All who wanders are not lost."

I looked it up and this is what I found:

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

-J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

I can honestly say that the one line most commonly quoted does NOT do the entire poem justice. Wow. I have been in a place that feels like wandering--I have spent so much time pondering my life. My purpose. My life has not necessarily followed the path I thought it was going to. I have tried to outrun my fears and they have all caught up to me--my worst fears have come to fruition--each and every one. But that is how it goes.

I do not waste my time blaming other people, or blaming God. It is a funny sort of irony that sometimes manifests in strange ways. I have to look at these challenges as part of my life, and part of who I am--and yet not let the negative always define me. I have opened myself up to learning in a way that catches me off guard sometimes.

I can say with confidence that I love a good book/movie with strong moral characters. There are quotes from them that speak to me, and one of my top ones right now is Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables:

"Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it...yet."

or, "There's such a lot of Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting."

or, " I've done my best, and I begin to understand what is meant by 'the joy of strife.' Next to trying and winning, the best thing is trying and failing."

I love Anne Shirley's dramatic flair and imagination that over romanticizes practically everything!

If there were one character I could be most like, it would be Samwise Gamgee from The Lord of the Rings. He is the underdog that literally encapsulates so much of the story--he is the very plain, loyal, and dependable quiet man of fortitude, and believes the best in others--even when they do not believe it themselves.

"There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

and, "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you."

Last night I finished watching a show on Netflix called Unbelievable. The last couple of episodes were chock full of inspirational quotes, which I geekily wrote down. I hope that they will speak to you as they have me. This show was short and based on the true story of a criminal investigation involving a serial rapist and how his actions affected the many women he violated. One of the girls that was focused on was sent to see a therapist. She had lost faith in mankind and her life was heading in a downward spiral. Fortunately, the therapist she was assigned to had some invaluable words for this young girl who had spent years in foster care and had been brutally violated.

The therapist said, "You're carrying burdens that were dumped on you by people who didn't love you as well as you deserve to be loved."

How many of us can relate and agree to this statement? We are all hurting. We have all been violated in some way--emotionally, with our trust, or physically. We all carry baggage and can feel dragged down by it. Many of us find that we have lost ourselves along the way. We allowed ourselves to be buried underneath the perceptions of others, societal ideals, personal ideals, experiences and trauma. We are still there, though--if we dig deep.

I am peeling up the layers slowly, and trying to find the "true" me. I am attempting to unwrap all the years of pain and false identities, of negative self thoughts, and perceptions imposed upon me by society and family and poor peers.

I can't help it...these thoughts make me think of the film Dirty Dancing and the iconic line,

"Nobody puts Baby in the corner."

Only you can take yourself out of the corner. You either allowed it or put yourself in there. Well, at least, I have.

I have spent so much of my life feeling like I was not enough. Like all the bad things that have happened were somehow completely my fault. I have spent so much time thinking, "This is my lot in life. I just need to suck it up."

Another powerful quote from the show Unbelievable,

"Do you know what happens when you decide you aren't just going to take what you get any longer?

You get MORE."

I want to write this down and stick it to my mirror. This isn't my LOT in life. I am NOT going to just 'take what I get.' I am NOT going to just 'suck it up.'

As I shed the baggage, and the negativity and the lies I've fed myself all these years, I know I will discover myself. I haven't gotten all the way there yet. That is OK. It is a work in progress, or "a moving target" as one of my friends so aptly says. There are such a lot of Megans in me--and I am figuring them out--and maybe I do not want to nail just one down to define me completely.

I have a whole lotta life left to live. It is more than just living in fear and negativity. It is more than just accepting my lot as being this mundane and drab existence. I am going to climb mountains and see the Redwoods. I am going to thru hike and own a tiny home in the mountains. I am going to write a book that will knock everyone's socks off. I am GOING to live my best life. I am NOT going to allow myself to be held back by the tangled mess of my own negativity.

Just like in the movie Meet the Robinsons, Walt Disney said, "Keep moving forward."

I intend to do just that.